I died yesterday

People often think life right now makes no sense.

And it’s true in many ways —

we live in an unnatural environment, eat unnatural things, do unnatural stuff,

and then wonder why we feel so bad.

All day long, stuck in front of phones and computers — now more than ever.It’s strange.

Why do we do 100 hours of yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises,

listen a thousand times that we should live in the now,

that we should enjoy the moment — but still can’t manage it?

Especially when you’re depressed and feel like nothing makes sense,

it’s actually hard to stay in that exact ‘now’ moment for hours —

just thinking and overthinking, almost masochistically.

At some point, I had no more energy for it.

I wanted to give up — not on life, but on those damn thought patterns.

I thought, okay, then let it be like this.

I’ll be poor in old age, have no relationship, can’t lose weight — whatever —

but this human has to die now.

Somehow, I thought, I’m giving up — but in a positive way.

What I mean is: you give up thinking because it annoys and holds you back.

So you go to sleep — but before you sleep, you tell yourself:

I’m doing my best.

The worst I’ve seen a hundred times already.

I’ve been depressed.

As long as I’m still breathing, I’ll keep trying

I woke up feeling strange and uneasy —

different and foreign

At first, I thought maybe I’m still in a bad mood from yesterday —

but STOP!

No more of that.

No more dwelling on that word and dragging it on.

Just get up and keep going,

like having a little pain in your leg but still walking.

I think to myself: is this it — letting go and being in the now?

Yes.

How else should it be?

My mind doesn’t want to go back —

the ego from yesterday is dead.

It’s like a rebirth.

During the day, I have a lot of energy,

and I think: wow, will everything be different now?

Will I start a new life and all my dreams come true?

No, I don’t think so.

But I know and can feel

that my mind has stabilized at this point —

I don’t want to experience that old me again, no matter what it costs.

And if all his fears come true — so be it.

But this strange, constant bad feeling is unnatural —

and it should not happen or arise anymore.

Carl Jung said life begins at 40 —

and everything before that was just research.

I believe he’s right.

Not that you can’t have these mental rebirths earlier —

I even pray that everyone discovers it by 20.

But it does take some time

to understand your own machine and mechanisms.

What we call rebirth

doesn’t have to be a universal event.

It can simply happen from one day to the next.

Of course, there will always be bad days and weeks.

But the intensity of self-pity

and the length of the thought spiral decrease.

You have to allow yourself that —

and trust your instincts and mind:It will get better.

You just have to allow it.

These are small victoriesover

your ego and self.

The old thought patterns and branches

move to the background —

maybe they never disappear,

but that’s okay.

As long as you’re not disturbed and can keep going,

new doors will open.

Trust me.

We should be glad we still have these symptoms —

that we see them and try to fight them.

That proves we’re on the right path.

I always say:

Only those on the path can lose their way —

and then feel lost, searching for the way back.

The seeker has to get lost

to find their way back.

That’s the nature of the process.

That’s why they suffer sometimes,

but they don’t give up.

Or as Buddha said:

The lotus grows only in mud and swamp